Monthly Archives: March 2013

Fill in the Field

brownport 2

The Mystery of King Toot

I’ve always had an insatiable curiosity for antiquity, particularly that of the ancient Peegyptians. So needless to say when 50 Shades of Brown approached me to do paid fieldwork I was excitedly speechless.

Mythology has long laid the claim that savage Boobarians once inhabited the Brown Sea region of Peegypyt. But do the fartifacts say otherwise?

The Boobarians were rumored to be a warrior society in which the Brown Belt represented the highest rank of military order under the reign of King Toot. As my plane got off I hoped I could find a Brown belt and finally poove their existence. After a grueling 18 hours it finally went down.  I was astonished to see that Peegypt was just like the pictures – brown as far as the eye could see – It was beautiful.

After a short sleep I B-lined it to a cab. I was finally on my way to the Ancient Sphincter. The site was marvelous and full of fartifacts. There was even an ancient skin flute! I picked it up, gave it a blow and the most beautiful note came out the end. Brown noise atmospherically flew through the airwaves and I gave a sigh of relief.

The sphincter itself was blocked by a guardrail as it has been since modern tourism began. Intuitively I reached beyond it, deep into the sphincter. I felt around and touched something stringy. I grasped and pulled out a ratty old Brown Belt! On my first day at the sphincter I solved the mystery and proved the existence of King Toot and the Boobarians of Peegypt!

– Fill in the Field, reporting his doody.

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Posted by on March 5, 2013 in Farticles, Fill in the Field


Breaking Poos

Pouston, TX – The scientific community at NASA headquarters was stunned today by the discovery of a massive brown hole located on the outer edge of a nearby galaxy. Confirmation of the discovery came late in the evening, as a full system check was required to determine that the telescope was functioning correctly. After a thorough clean sweep, scientists confirmed that the telescope was in fact observing a massive brown hole.

While the cause of the brown hole is yet to be determined, scientists are speculating that a shift in the subpootomic farticles has created instability in the fabrics of space and time. The apparent weakness in the space farticles primed conditions to be perfect for the development of a black hole. Why the farticles reflect a brown color remains to be a mystery, however, scientists speculate that the brown hue is a reflection of the hue found at the origins of the universe.

cob launch

The news of the discovery reached the Brown House shortly after it was confirmed by NASA. The President responded immediately and confirmed that funding would be made available for exploration of the brown hole by asstronauts late in 2013. NASA responded with plans to send their best crew of asstronaunts on a deep space exploration that would see them interact intimately with the brown hole. “This is a very exciting time for space exploration and all asstroaunts” stated Kernel Maze, the lead asstronaut for the mission to the brown hole, “we’ve been waiting long and hard for something like this and we’re very excited to be the first to touch the brown hole”.

Preparation for the mission will begin late in the spring, beginning with the development of NASA’s COBB program and the completion of their newest space shuttle, the COBB 2. Scientists are hoping that the COBB 2 will take flight, led by asstronaunt Kernal Maze, in the early months of 2014.

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Posted by on March 5, 2013 in Farticles, The Pooniverse


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Fart Chakra

Many of those who have caught wind of the brown movement have been writing in with great concern. Innumerable letters have piled up, every single one of them begging for clarification on how to open the fart-chakra. Here at 50 Shades of Brown we take this matter very seriously and have thus decided to provide a detailed step-by-step brownprint to guide you.

Step 1: Find a comfortable space, alone. Dim the lights. Ambient music is appropriate. An odor free environment is preferable to experience the full scope of the results.

Step 2: Sit with back straight. Posture is important. Legs should be spread wide open.

Step 3: Breathe deep, all the way from mouth to tip of anus. This is good.

Step 4: When comfortable and ready the visualization process may begin. The goal of this step is to simply conjure up light-hearted emotions. Imagine reading Charlie Brown or maybe eating a brownie.

(As relaxation deepens your vision may fade to brown. Do not be alarmed; this is both necessary and natural)

Step 5: At this point you should be fully relaxed, anus loose. Roll back and lay flat on your back. Legs must remain spread if fart-chakra is to fully open.

Step 6: This step must be followed precisely. Point your anus upwards; stretch its reach towards the ceiling. Take two deep breaths in with the mouth and then out through the anus. This form of breath-work should be new to most of you. The practice itself, however, has its roots in ancient Indiana.

(Steps 7-9 are for the devout seeker and should be approached with both reverence and openness)

Step 7: Stop breathing with the mouth. All breath-work at this point should now be done through the skyward sphincter. This is good.

Step 8:  Open your eyes. If steps 1-7 were executed correctly the outer world should now appear as a tunnel with a brown light at the end. Go to the light.

Step 9: You’re just about there! Once you have reached the brown light at the end of the tunnel penetrate it with all that you are, have been, and ever will be.

Step 10: Now that you have united with the brown essence of existence your fart-chakra should be fully and permanently open. Feel free to either bask in the brown or return to your normative consciousness with a renewed sense of purpose, renewed sense of self, and a renewed sense of smell.

We at 50 Shades of Brown sincerely hope that this brownprint has been of help. If there are any further questions please, by any means necessary, inquire deep within…..

This Farticle brought to you by: Brown Door.

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Posted by on March 5, 2013 in Farticles


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