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Monthly Archives: June 2013

Charles Darwin: On the Origin of Feces

on_the_origin_of_species

When Charles Darwin landed upon the shores of the Galapapoos islands the scientific community would be changed forever.

Darwin, a young English Naturalist, had long theorized that the variety of feces was due to the processes of evolpootion. These processes, most notably natural selection (often referred to as ‘survival of the shittest’) suggested that a particular type of feces was more likely to succeed if it had a greater ability to adapt to its environment.

Darwins theories faced a great deal of skepticism from his peers. The conservative view points of his day refused to believe that all feces derived from a common ancestor; scientists refused to believe the origin of life may have developed from the gradual evolution of molecules contained in the primordial poop into life as we know it now. However, Darwins voyage on the HMasS  Beagle would help prove the skeptics wrong.

When Darwin visited the Galapapoos islands, he noted that the feces on the island had developed separately from surrounding areas. This provided Darwin an opportunity to study the mutations which occurred in the feces on the Galapapoos Island. One of his main observations was the variety in the brown hues of the feces and the remnants of diet (primarily corn) prominent in the field dwelling feces. One of Darwin’s favorite feces, (second only to the prairie dog) was the ‘The DooDoo bird’. While on the islands he focassed the majority of his time studying its movements. Darwin truly loved the movements of the Doo Doo bird and would have been deeply troubled when it went exstinky.

 

 
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Posted by on June 24, 2013 in Farticles, The Pooniverse

 

Brownbeard’s Shitwreck

Brownbeard’s Shitwreck

Having finished so quickly at the ancient Sphincter (I swear that never happens) I decided to spend the rest of my trip visiting the most mysterious place on the planet; the shitwreck of Brownbeard himself. After all, it was on my bucket list and 50 Shades of Brown was footing the bill. This was an opportunity that cums only once in a brown moon.

It was Pooly 15th, my birthday. I left at the crack of dawn for the Brown Sea. Without a map to guide me I intuitively traveled what I believed was Brownbeard’s treasure trail.  The voyage was tiring. I traveled through the Poohara desert for four solid days with little food and next to no water.  I began to get woozy, fell onto my back, and completely browned out. As I transitioned back to wakefulness I felt the world sway beneath me. Startled, I looked around to find myself on a giant ship.

“Mop the poop-deck you scallywag!” It was Brownbeard. Before I could get my shit together the ghostly Brownbeard swooped down and cuffed me by my anklets.

“Fuck off!” I said, like a handsome and valiant prince.

But it was no use. Brownbeard was deaf, ill-tempered, and poowerful. I was dragged by his henchman to the rowing lines and was made to work until we clocked in at four shits to the wind. The combination of our speed and the chaotic waters below made me feel nauseous.  I struggled to hold down my dinner. My head throbbed. The sickness spread through my body; from head to toe I was ill.

I browned out again.

When I woke up I was back in the Poohara. It was a miracle, a mirage, or some nightmarish wet dream. Exhausted, I finally got it up and meandered back to Peegypt. Back at the hotel I squatted at my desk and wrote in my captain log:

“Whether reality or fantasy that Brownbeard is sure an asshole.”

Fill in the field, reporting his doody.

 
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Posted by on June 24, 2013 in Farticles, Fill in the Field

 

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