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Category Archives: Farticles

#BROWNFRIDAY

#BROWNFRIDAY

It was another lonely Friday night movie marathon. I had just finished watching “Forrest Dump” and “The Secret Life of Walter Shitty.” Depressed by my solitude and inspired by the films, I decided it was time to do something more with my life. I wanted to be a fart of something. So I put down my poopcorn, refrigerated my fartichoke dip, and went for the door. I had the hole wide world in front of me.

I set course for down-town, having barely stepped out the door, when I had the good fortune of a brown cat cross my path. I knew today was different; there was a whiff of excitement in the air.

I tread deeper through the bowels of the city and came across a crowd of people making a big stink. They were protesting Brown Friday, despite the shitty-wide savings. This was exactly the sort of thing I wanted to be a fart of! I was immediately swept up in the mob.  I joined in and judgementally, shamed the fat-cats and their brown-nosing cohorts. I tossed rocks through windows, chanted at the top of my lungs, bolstered up a picket sign, reading: Make Fart, Not War. Holy shit did I feel alive!

However, around quarter to poo things began to escalate. The cops grew aggressive. Caught up in everything, my response was the same. I turned and punched an officer in the face. I gave him a brown eye.

I turned and ran as fast as I could fucking run. The pigs were hot on my heels. I gave them a good run for their money but slipped on a patch of brown ice and fell right on my ass. Needless to say, the poolice apprehended me.

They dragged me kicking and creaming to the cop car. Luckily, I made a last minute wriggle and slipped out of their hold. I slipped into the shadows, like a fart in the wind. I stayed there for days until shit settled down. Exasperated, I was finally able to make my way home. I turned on my I-poo, toggled between N*Stync and Feart, and made the arduous trek back home.

Relieved, I finally returned home, but collapsed. With those revolutionary notions out of my system I decided that from then on I would never get caught up in that romanticized rebelliousness again, and just stick to my boring farts degree.

Fill in the field, reporting his doody.

 
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Posted by on January 9, 2015 in Farticles, Fill in the Field

 

Fartichoke dip

fartichoke

At 50 Shades of Brown we care about our subscribers from the bottom of our farts. As a result, we’ve decided to share one of our most spoocial recipes for the holidays… it’s short and/or sweet

Fartichoke Dip

Step 1: Grab a fist whole-d of brown sugar.

Step 2: Pound it. This is a good thing.

Step 3: At this point many have found that massaging the brown paste is beneficial.

Step 4: Immediately gather a basin. This is crucial * (ass-trix)

Allergy Warning: This dish is not for the faint of fart

Step 5: Dump the brown sauce into the basin. Bring to boil.

Step 6: Please employ the Anus Air-Raider (the recipe demands a fart in every tart)

Step 7: You may feel a crunch coming on as you bite in.

Step 8: Make a nice spread on your guests.. and enjoy!

 

Stay poositive this season

Merry ChristmASS and Happy Pew Year!

 

*Full commitment is needed from here on out

 
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Posted by on December 28, 2013 in Farticles

 

Charles Darwin: On the Origin of Feces

on_the_origin_of_species

When Charles Darwin landed upon the shores of the Galapapoos islands the scientific community would be changed forever.

Darwin, a young English Naturalist, had long theorized that the variety of feces was due to the processes of evolpootion. These processes, most notably natural selection (often referred to as ‘survival of the shittest’) suggested that a particular type of feces was more likely to succeed if it had a greater ability to adapt to its environment.

Darwins theories faced a great deal of skepticism from his peers. The conservative view points of his day refused to believe that all feces derived from a common ancestor; scientists refused to believe the origin of life may have developed from the gradual evolution of molecules contained in the primordial poop into life as we know it now. However, Darwins voyage on the HMasS  Beagle would help prove the skeptics wrong.

When Darwin visited the Galapapoos islands, he noted that the feces on the island had developed separately from surrounding areas. This provided Darwin an opportunity to study the mutations which occurred in the feces on the Galapapoos Island. One of his main observations was the variety in the brown hues of the feces and the remnants of diet (primarily corn) prominent in the field dwelling feces. One of Darwin’s favorite feces, (second only to the prairie dog) was the ‘The DooDoo bird’. While on the islands he focassed the majority of his time studying its movements. Darwin truly loved the movements of the Doo Doo bird and would have been deeply troubled when it went exstinky.

 

 
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Posted by on June 24, 2013 in Farticles, The Pooniverse

 

Brownbeard’s Shitwreck

Brownbeard’s Shitwreck

Having finished so quickly at the ancient Sphincter (I swear that never happens) I decided to spend the rest of my trip visiting the most mysterious place on the planet; the shitwreck of Brownbeard himself. After all, it was on my bucket list and 50 Shades of Brown was footing the bill. This was an opportunity that cums only once in a brown moon.

It was Pooly 15th, my birthday. I left at the crack of dawn for the Brown Sea. Without a map to guide me I intuitively traveled what I believed was Brownbeard’s treasure trail.  The voyage was tiring. I traveled through the Poohara desert for four solid days with little food and next to no water.  I began to get woozy, fell onto my back, and completely browned out. As I transitioned back to wakefulness I felt the world sway beneath me. Startled, I looked around to find myself on a giant ship.

“Mop the poop-deck you scallywag!” It was Brownbeard. Before I could get my shit together the ghostly Brownbeard swooped down and cuffed me by my anklets.

“Fuck off!” I said, like a handsome and valiant prince.

But it was no use. Brownbeard was deaf, ill-tempered, and poowerful. I was dragged by his henchman to the rowing lines and was made to work until we clocked in at four shits to the wind. The combination of our speed and the chaotic waters below made me feel nauseous.  I struggled to hold down my dinner. My head throbbed. The sickness spread through my body; from head to toe I was ill.

I browned out again.

When I woke up I was back in the Poohara. It was a miracle, a mirage, or some nightmarish wet dream. Exhausted, I finally got it up and meandered back to Peegypt. Back at the hotel I squatted at my desk and wrote in my captain log:

“Whether reality or fantasy that Brownbeard is sure an asshole.”

Fill in the field, reporting his doody.

 
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Posted by on June 24, 2013 in Farticles, Fill in the Field

 

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Fill in the Field

brownport 2

The Mystery of King Toot

I’ve always had an insatiable curiosity for antiquity, particularly that of the ancient Peegyptians. So needless to say when 50 Shades of Brown approached me to do paid fieldwork I was excitedly speechless.

Mythology has long laid the claim that savage Boobarians once inhabited the Brown Sea region of Peegypyt. But do the fartifacts say otherwise?

The Boobarians were rumored to be a warrior society in which the Brown Belt represented the highest rank of military order under the reign of King Toot. As my plane got off I hoped I could find a Brown belt and finally poove their existence. After a grueling 18 hours it finally went down.  I was astonished to see that Peegypt was just like the pictures – brown as far as the eye could see – It was beautiful.

After a short sleep I B-lined it to a cab. I was finally on my way to the Ancient Sphincter. The site was marvelous and full of fartifacts. There was even an ancient skin flute! I picked it up, gave it a blow and the most beautiful note came out the end. Brown noise atmospherically flew through the airwaves and I gave a sigh of relief.

The sphincter itself was blocked by a guardrail as it has been since modern tourism began. Intuitively I reached beyond it, deep into the sphincter. I felt around and touched something stringy. I grasped and pulled out a ratty old Brown Belt! On my first day at the sphincter I solved the mystery and proved the existence of King Toot and the Boobarians of Peegypt!

– Fill in the Field, reporting his doody.

 
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Posted by on March 5, 2013 in Farticles, Fill in the Field

 

Breaking Poos

Pouston, TX – The scientific community at NASA headquarters was stunned today by the discovery of a massive brown hole located on the outer edge of a nearby galaxy. Confirmation of the discovery came late in the evening, as a full system check was required to determine that the telescope was functioning correctly. After a thorough clean sweep, scientists confirmed that the telescope was in fact observing a massive brown hole.

While the cause of the brown hole is yet to be determined, scientists are speculating that a shift in the subpootomic farticles has created instability in the fabrics of space and time. The apparent weakness in the space farticles primed conditions to be perfect for the development of a black hole. Why the farticles reflect a brown color remains to be a mystery, however, scientists speculate that the brown hue is a reflection of the hue found at the origins of the universe.

cob launch

The news of the discovery reached the Brown House shortly after it was confirmed by NASA. The President responded immediately and confirmed that funding would be made available for exploration of the brown hole by asstronauts late in 2013. NASA responded with plans to send their best crew of asstronaunts on a deep space exploration that would see them interact intimately with the brown hole. “This is a very exciting time for space exploration and all asstroaunts” stated Kernel Maze, the lead asstronaut for the mission to the brown hole, “we’ve been waiting long and hard for something like this and we’re very excited to be the first to touch the brown hole”.

Preparation for the mission will begin late in the spring, beginning with the development of NASA’s COBB program and the completion of their newest space shuttle, the COBB 2. Scientists are hoping that the COBB 2 will take flight, led by asstronaunt Kernal Maze, in the early months of 2014.

 
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Posted by on March 5, 2013 in Farticles, The Pooniverse

 

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Fart Chakra

Many of those who have caught wind of the brown movement have been writing in with great concern. Innumerable letters have piled up, every single one of them begging for clarification on how to open the fart-chakra. Here at 50 Shades of Brown we take this matter very seriously and have thus decided to provide a detailed step-by-step brownprint to guide you.

Step 1: Find a comfortable space, alone. Dim the lights. Ambient music is appropriate. An odor free environment is preferable to experience the full scope of the results.

Step 2: Sit with back straight. Posture is important. Legs should be spread wide open.

Step 3: Breathe deep, all the way from mouth to tip of anus. This is good.

Step 4: When comfortable and ready the visualization process may begin. The goal of this step is to simply conjure up light-hearted emotions. Imagine reading Charlie Brown or maybe eating a brownie.

(As relaxation deepens your vision may fade to brown. Do not be alarmed; this is both necessary and natural)

Step 5: At this point you should be fully relaxed, anus loose. Roll back and lay flat on your back. Legs must remain spread if fart-chakra is to fully open.

Step 6: This step must be followed precisely. Point your anus upwards; stretch its reach towards the ceiling. Take two deep breaths in with the mouth and then out through the anus. This form of breath-work should be new to most of you. The practice itself, however, has its roots in ancient Indiana.

(Steps 7-9 are for the devout seeker and should be approached with both reverence and openness)

Step 7: Stop breathing with the mouth. All breath-work at this point should now be done through the skyward sphincter. This is good.

Step 8:  Open your eyes. If steps 1-7 were executed correctly the outer world should now appear as a tunnel with a brown light at the end. Go to the light.

Step 9: You’re just about there! Once you have reached the brown light at the end of the tunnel penetrate it with all that you are, have been, and ever will be.

Step 10: Now that you have united with the brown essence of existence your fart-chakra should be fully and permanently open. Feel free to either bask in the brown or return to your normative consciousness with a renewed sense of purpose, renewed sense of self, and a renewed sense of smell.

We at 50 Shades of Brown sincerely hope that this brownprint has been of help. If there are any further questions please, by any means necessary, inquire deep within…..

This Farticle brought to you by: Brown Door.

 
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Posted by on March 5, 2013 in Farticles

 

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