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Brownbeard’s Shitwreck

Brownbeard’s Shitwreck

Having finished so quickly at the ancient Sphincter (I swear that never happens) I decided to spend the rest of my trip visiting the most mysterious place on the planet; the shitwreck of Brownbeard himself. After all, it was on my bucket list and 50 Shades of Brown was footing the bill. This was an opportunity that cums only once in a brown moon.

It was Pooly 15th, my birthday. I left at the crack of dawn for the Brown Sea. Without a map to guide me I intuitively traveled what I believed was Brownbeard’s treasure trail.  The voyage was tiring. I traveled through the Poohara desert for four solid days with little food and next to no water.  I began to get woozy, fell onto my back, and completely browned out. As I transitioned back to wakefulness I felt the world sway beneath me. Startled, I looked around to find myself on a giant ship.

“Mop the poop-deck you scallywag!” It was Brownbeard. Before I could get my shit together the ghostly Brownbeard swooped down and cuffed me by my anklets.

“Fuck off!” I said, like a handsome and valiant prince.

But it was no use. Brownbeard was deaf, ill-tempered, and poowerful. I was dragged by his henchman to the rowing lines and was made to work until we clocked in at four shits to the wind. The combination of our speed and the chaotic waters below made me feel nauseous.  I struggled to hold down my dinner. My head throbbed. The sickness spread through my body; from head to toe I was ill.

I browned out again.

When I woke up I was back in the Poohara. It was a miracle, a mirage, or some nightmarish wet dream. Exhausted, I finally got it up and meandered back to Peegypt. Back at the hotel I squatted at my desk and wrote in my captain log:

“Whether reality or fantasy that Brownbeard is sure an asshole.”

Fill in the field, reporting his doody.

 
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Posted by on June 24, 2013 in Farticles, Fill in the Field

 

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Breaking Poos

Pouston, TX – The scientific community at NASA headquarters was stunned today by the discovery of a massive brown hole located on the outer edge of a nearby galaxy. Confirmation of the discovery came late in the evening, as a full system check was required to determine that the telescope was functioning correctly. After a thorough clean sweep, scientists confirmed that the telescope was in fact observing a massive brown hole.

While the cause of the brown hole is yet to be determined, scientists are speculating that a shift in the subpootomic farticles has created instability in the fabrics of space and time. The apparent weakness in the space farticles primed conditions to be perfect for the development of a black hole. Why the farticles reflect a brown color remains to be a mystery, however, scientists speculate that the brown hue is a reflection of the hue found at the origins of the universe.

cob launch

The news of the discovery reached the Brown House shortly after it was confirmed by NASA. The President responded immediately and confirmed that funding would be made available for exploration of the brown hole by asstronauts late in 2013. NASA responded with plans to send their best crew of asstronaunts on a deep space exploration that would see them interact intimately with the brown hole. “This is a very exciting time for space exploration and all asstroaunts” stated Kernel Maze, the lead asstronaut for the mission to the brown hole, “we’ve been waiting long and hard for something like this and we’re very excited to be the first to touch the brown hole”.

Preparation for the mission will begin late in the spring, beginning with the development of NASA’s COBB program and the completion of their newest space shuttle, the COBB 2. Scientists are hoping that the COBB 2 will take flight, led by asstronaunt Kernal Maze, in the early months of 2014.

 
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Posted by on March 5, 2013 in Farticles, The Pooniverse

 

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Fart Chakra

Many of those who have caught wind of the brown movement have been writing in with great concern. Innumerable letters have piled up, every single one of them begging for clarification on how to open the fart-chakra. Here at 50 Shades of Brown we take this matter very seriously and have thus decided to provide a detailed step-by-step brownprint to guide you.

Step 1: Find a comfortable space, alone. Dim the lights. Ambient music is appropriate. An odor free environment is preferable to experience the full scope of the results.

Step 2: Sit with back straight. Posture is important. Legs should be spread wide open.

Step 3: Breathe deep, all the way from mouth to tip of anus. This is good.

Step 4: When comfortable and ready the visualization process may begin. The goal of this step is to simply conjure up light-hearted emotions. Imagine reading Charlie Brown or maybe eating a brownie.

(As relaxation deepens your vision may fade to brown. Do not be alarmed; this is both necessary and natural)

Step 5: At this point you should be fully relaxed, anus loose. Roll back and lay flat on your back. Legs must remain spread if fart-chakra is to fully open.

Step 6: This step must be followed precisely. Point your anus upwards; stretch its reach towards the ceiling. Take two deep breaths in with the mouth and then out through the anus. This form of breath-work should be new to most of you. The practice itself, however, has its roots in ancient Indiana.

(Steps 7-9 are for the devout seeker and should be approached with both reverence and openness)

Step 7: Stop breathing with the mouth. All breath-work at this point should now be done through the skyward sphincter. This is good.

Step 8:  Open your eyes. If steps 1-7 were executed correctly the outer world should now appear as a tunnel with a brown light at the end. Go to the light.

Step 9: You’re just about there! Once you have reached the brown light at the end of the tunnel penetrate it with all that you are, have been, and ever will be.

Step 10: Now that you have united with the brown essence of existence your fart-chakra should be fully and permanently open. Feel free to either bask in the brown or return to your normative consciousness with a renewed sense of purpose, renewed sense of self, and a renewed sense of smell.

We at 50 Shades of Brown sincerely hope that this brownprint has been of help. If there are any further questions please, by any means necessary, inquire deep within…..

This Farticle brought to you by: Brown Door.

 
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Posted by on March 5, 2013 in Farticles

 

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