Many of those who have caught wind of the brown movement have been writing in with great concern. Innumerable letters have piled up, every single one of them begging for clarification on how to open the fart-chakra. Here at 50 Shades of Brown we take this matter very seriously and have thus decided to provide a detailed step-by-step brownprint to guide you.
Step 1: Find a comfortable space, alone. Dim the lights. Ambient music is appropriate. An odor free environment is preferable to experience the full scope of the results.
Step 2: Sit with back straight. Posture is important. Legs should be spread wide open.
Step 3: Breathe deep, all the way from mouth to tip of anus. This is good.
Step 4: When comfortable and ready the visualization process may begin. The goal of this step is to simply conjure up light-hearted emotions. Imagine reading Charlie Brown or maybe eating a brownie.
(As relaxation deepens your vision may fade to brown. Do not be alarmed; this is both necessary and natural)
Step 5: At this point you should be fully relaxed, anus loose. Roll back and lay flat on your back. Legs must remain spread if fart-chakra is to fully open.
Step 6: This step must be followed precisely. Point your anus upwards; stretch its reach towards the ceiling. Take two deep breaths in with the mouth and then out through the anus. This form of breath-work should be new to most of you. The practice itself, however, has its roots in ancient Indiana.
(Steps 7-9 are for the devout seeker and should be approached with both reverence and openness)
Step 7: Stop breathing with the mouth. All breath-work at this point should now be done through the skyward sphincter. This is good.
Step 8: Open your eyes. If steps 1-7 were executed correctly the outer world should now appear as a tunnel with a brown light at the end. Go to the light.
Step 9: You’re just about there! Once you have reached the brown light at the end of the tunnel penetrate it with all that you are, have been, and ever will be.
Step 10: Now that you have united with the brown essence of existence your fart-chakra should be fully and permanently open. Feel free to either bask in the brown or return to your normative consciousness with a renewed sense of purpose, renewed sense of self, and a renewed sense of smell.
We at 50 Shades of Brown sincerely hope that this brownprint has been of help. If there are any further questions please, by any means necessary, inquire deep within…..