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Brownbeard’s Shitwreck

Brownbeard’s Shitwreck

Having finished so quickly at the ancient Sphincter (I swear that never happens) I decided to spend the rest of my trip visiting the most mysterious place on the planet; the shitwreck of Brownbeard himself. After all, it was on my bucket list and 50 Shades of Brown was footing the bill. This was an opportunity that cums only once in a brown moon.

It was Pooly 15th, my birthday. I left at the crack of dawn for the Brown Sea. Without a map to guide me I intuitively traveled what I believed was Brownbeard’s treasure trail.  The voyage was tiring. I traveled through the Poohara desert for four solid days with little food and next to no water.  I began to get woozy, fell onto my back, and completely browned out. As I transitioned back to wakefulness I felt the world sway beneath me. Startled, I looked around to find myself on a giant ship.

“Mop the poop-deck you scallywag!” It was Brownbeard. Before I could get my shit together the ghostly Brownbeard swooped down and cuffed me by my anklets.

“Fuck off!” I said, like a handsome and valiant prince.

But it was no use. Brownbeard was deaf, ill-tempered, and poowerful. I was dragged by his henchman to the rowing lines and was made to work until we clocked in at four shits to the wind. The combination of our speed and the chaotic waters below made me feel nauseous.  I struggled to hold down my dinner. My head throbbed. The sickness spread through my body; from head to toe I was ill.

I browned out again.

When I woke up I was back in the Poohara. It was a miracle, a mirage, or some nightmarish wet dream. Exhausted, I finally got it up and meandered back to Peegypt. Back at the hotel I squatted at my desk and wrote in my captain log:

“Whether reality or fantasy that Brownbeard is sure an asshole.”

Fill in the field, reporting his doody.

 
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Posted by on June 24, 2013 in Farticles, Fill in the Field

 

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Breaking Poos

Pouston, TX – The scientific community at NASA headquarters was stunned today by the discovery of a massive brown hole located on the outer edge of a nearby galaxy. Confirmation of the discovery came late in the evening, as a full system check was required to determine that the telescope was functioning correctly. After a thorough clean sweep, scientists confirmed that the telescope was in fact observing a massive brown hole.

While the cause of the brown hole is yet to be determined, scientists are speculating that a shift in the subpootomic farticles has created instability in the fabrics of space and time. The apparent weakness in the space farticles primed conditions to be perfect for the development of a black hole. Why the farticles reflect a brown color remains to be a mystery, however, scientists speculate that the brown hue is a reflection of the hue found at the origins of the universe.

cob launch

The news of the discovery reached the Brown House shortly after it was confirmed by NASA. The President responded immediately and confirmed that funding would be made available for exploration of the brown hole by asstronauts late in 2013. NASA responded with plans to send their best crew of asstronaunts on a deep space exploration that would see them interact intimately with the brown hole. “This is a very exciting time for space exploration and all asstroaunts” stated Kernel Maze, the lead asstronaut for the mission to the brown hole, “we’ve been waiting long and hard for something like this and we’re very excited to be the first to touch the brown hole”.

Preparation for the mission will begin late in the spring, beginning with the development of NASA’s COBB program and the completion of their newest space shuttle, the COBB 2. Scientists are hoping that the COBB 2 will take flight, led by asstronaunt Kernal Maze, in the early months of 2014.

 
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Posted by on March 5, 2013 in Farticles, The Pooniverse

 

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